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Page 98
I have studied a long time about devising a plan for obtaining pay from
the audience and have finally struck upon the only feasible one I think.
After the performance let some one come out on the stage and announce
that James Forbis will speak two hours. The result, easily explainable
by philosophical and psychological reasons, will be as follows: The
minds of the audience, elated and inspired by the hope of immediate
departure when confronted by such a terror-inspiring and dismal
prospect, will collapse with the fearful reaction which will take place,
and for a space of time they will remain in a kind of comatose,
farewell-vain-world condition. Now, as this is the time when the
interest of the evening is at its highest pitch, let the melodious
strains of the orchestra steal forth as a committee appointed by the
managers of lawyers, druggists, doctors, and revenue officers, go around
and relieve the audience of the price of admission for each one. Where
one person has no money let it be made up from another, but on no
account let the whole sum taken be more than the just amount at usual
rates.
As I said before, the characters in the play are purely imaginary, and
therefore not to be confounded with real persons. But lest any one,
feeling some of the idiosyncrasies and characteristics apply too
forcibly to his own high moral and irreproachable self, should allow his
warlike and combative spirits to arise, you might as you go, kind of
casually like, produce the impression that I rarely miss my aim with a
Colt's forty-five, but if that does not have the effect of quieting the
splenetic individual, and be still thirsts for Bill Slax's gore, just
inform him that if he comes out Here he can't get any whiskey within two
days' journey of my present abode, and water will have to be his only
beverage while on the warpath. This, I am sure, will avert the bloody
and direful conflict.
Accept my lasting regards and professions of respect.
Ever yours,
Bill Slax
* * * *
To Dr. W. P. Beall
My Dear Doctor: I wish you a happy, &c., and all that sort of thing,
don't you know, &c., &c. I send you a few little productions in the way
of poetry, &c, which, of course, were struck off in an idle moment. Some
of the pictures are not good likenesses, and so I have not labelled
them, which you may do as fast [as] you discover whom they represent, as
some of them resemble others more than themselves, but the poems are
good without exception, and will compare favorably with Baron Alfred's
latest on spring.
I have just come from a hunt, in which I mortally wounded a wild hog,
and as my boots are full of thorns I can't write any longer than this
paper will contain, for it's all I've got, because I'm too tired to
write any more for the reason that I have no news to tell.
I see by the Patriot that you are Superintendent of Public Health, and
assure you that all such upward rise as you make like that will ever be
witnessed with interest and pleasure by me, &c., &c. Give my regards to
Dr. and Mrs. Hall. It would be uncomplimentary to your powers of
perception as well as superfluous to say that I will now close and
remain, yours truly,
W. S. Porter
* * * *
Letter to Dr. W. P. Beall
La Salle County, Texas, February 27, 1884
My Dear Doctor: Your appreciated epistle of the 18th received. I was
very glad to hear from you. I hope to hear again if such irrelevant
correspondence will not interfere with your duties as Public Health
Eradicator, which I believe is the office you hold under county
authority. I supposed the very dramatic Shakespearian comedy to be the
last, as I heard nothing from you previous before your letter, and was
about to write another of a more exciting character, introducing several
bloody single combats, a dynamite explosion, a ladies' oyster supper for
charitable purposes, &c., also comprising some mysterious sub rosa
transactions known only to myself and a select few, new songs and
dances, and the Greensboro Poker Club. Having picked up a few points
myself relative to this latter amusement, I feel competent to give a
lucid, glittering portrait of the scenes presented under its auspices.
But if the former drama has reached you safely, I will refrain from
burdening you any more with the labors of general stage manager, &c.
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