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Page 7
"I don't want a hydropathic exactly," I explained. "I propose to
exterminate this rodent, not to foster longevity in it. How does it work?"
He pointed out that, after examining the various apartments, the animal
would be allured by the fragrance of a small portion of cheese placed above
the diving-board; overbalancing, it would then be projected into the water,
where it would infallibly drown. "It is a thoroughly humane instrument," he
assured me, "and used in the best 'omes."
I bought it and went on to a cheese foundry. Araminta was rather scornful
of the sanatorium when I came home with it and set it, loaded and trained,
on the dining-room floor; but the children were delighted. It ranked only a
little lower than the pantomime, and if only we could have secured an
outside visitor to it I believe that it would have defeated the Zoo. To
visit it with a sort of wistful hope became the principal treat of the day.
But, alas, the mansion remained untenanted. Sometimes during a lull in
conversation we would hear the faint scuffling again, but after about six
days I became convinced, by kneeling down and placing my ear to the carpet
like an Indian, that the noise was even fainter than it had been at first.
A terrible suspicion seized me. I dashed out and rang the bell of the flat
next door.
"It is just as I feared," I said to Araminta on returning a few moments
later. "We are not going to be infested after all. The vermin has been
sighted in No. 140B."
"We must make the best of it," she said, trying to speak cheerfully,
"though it _is_ hard on the children, poor dears."
"I wasn't thinking of the children," I replied bitterly; "I was thinking of
the expense. If we had been living in a house instead of a flat we could at
least have deducted it from the rates."
I sat down and made out a bill as follows to the Clerk of the Borough
Council, heading it:--
_On Account of Spurious Infestment._
s. d.
To one Mouse Institute and Aquarium 5 6
" Cheese 0 6
" Labour at 2/6 per hour 0 7-1/2
---------
Total 6 7-1/2
The man replied coldly that the householder was responsible for all
expenditure incurred in precautionary measures and that the Council was in
no way liable for the costs resulting from an offensive that failed to
materialize. He ended with the rather rude postscript, "What kind of cheese
did you use?"
This was a bit sickening. However, by threatening to lay information
against him, I have at last succeeded in inducing the occupier of 140B to
take over the abattoir at a very satisfactory valuation. It was between
that and buying his mouse.
EVOE.
* * * * *
TWO NIGHTMARES.
[_Dreamed after reading in a daily paper that "any style of dress that
lessens one's self-confidence should be tabooed" (sic)._]
I travelled from the Sussex hills
With confidence divine,
Full of the conscious power that thrills
My heart when life is mine,
And strode to Lady Fancy Frills
With whom I was to dine.
Her guests had come from Clubs and Courts
And Halls of wealthy Jews;
As they surveyed my running shorts
I felt my courage ooze,
While conscious power, grown out of sorts,
Leaked through my canvas shoes.
* * * * *
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