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Page 31
I looked at him until our eyes met; then I avoided his gaze, but found
it always fixed upon me. But what was my confusion when I understood
that he was asking the Prince Palatine Lubomirski who I was! His face
lighted up with joy when he heard the answer; be made no delay in
approaching the Princess Lubomirska, and saluted her with a grace
peculiar to himself. After the exchange of the preliminary compliments,
the princess introduced me as her niece. I do not know what kind of a
courtesy I made, doubtless quite different from that which I had learned
from my dancing master; I was so agitated, and still am so much so,
that I cannot remember the words used by the prince as he saluted me;
but the impression is not fugitive like the words.
What an evening! The prince opened the ball with the princess
palatiness, and danced the second polonaise--with me; he had then time
to speak to me; and I, at first so timid, embarrassed, and agitated,
found myself replying to him with inconceivable assurance. He questioned
me about my parents, my sister the starostine, and all the details of
her marriage. I was surprised to find him so well acquainted with my
family affairs; but then I remembered that Kochanowski, son of the
castellan, is his favorite. What a good, forgiving soul that Kochanowski
must have; not only has he digested the goose dressed with the black
sauce, but he has said so many kind things of us all!
The prince danced with me nearly the whole evening, and talked all the
time ... The words would seem insignificant and absurd, were I to write
them down; but with him, tone, manner, expression, all speak and say
more than words, and yet his very words signify more, depict better, and
penetrate more deeply than those of others. I keep them in my memory,
and fear to weaken their impression should I write them.
When, at midnight, the cannon were fired to announce the end of one year
and the beginning of another, the prince said to me, 'Ah! never can I
forget the hours I have just passed; this is not a new year which I am
beginning, but a new life which I am receiving.'
This is but one of the many things he said to me; but as he always spoke
French, I should find great difficulty, in my present agitated state of
mind, in translating his conversation into Polish.
All that I have read in Mademoiselle Scudery, or in Madame de Lafayette,
is flat, compared with what the prince himself said to me; but perhaps
this may all be nothing more than simple politeness. Ah! merciful
Heaven, if it should be indeed an illusion, a mere court flattery,
applicable to all women, or, perhaps,--a series of empty compliments,
due solely to my dress, which became me wonderfully well! I am a prey to
the most inconceivable perplexities, and dare confide in no one; I
should not venture to say to any one: 'Has he a real preference for me?'
My parents are far away, and the princess does not invite my confidence;
I fear her as a cold, severe, and uninterested judge.... The prince
palatine is very kind, but can one expose to a man all the weakness of a
woman's heart? ... I am then abandoned to myself, without a standard of
judgment, without experience or advice.... Yesterday, I was at school,
studying as a child, and now I am thrown into a world entirely new, and
in which I am playing a part envied by all my sex.... I surely dream, or
I have lost my reason.
In ten days Barbara will be here, and she must be my good angel; she
will guide and protect me: she is so wise, and has so much judgment! I
will be so glad to lay my soul bare before her; I have no fear of her,
she is so compassionate; she is beautiful and happy, and I have always
remarked that such women are the best.
I have not seen my dear sister for nine months; but I see from her
letters that she is every day more and more loved by her husband, and
satisfied with her destiny.
Shall I again see the prince royal? Will he recognize me in my ordinary
dress, and will he still think me beautiful?...
MAIDEN'S DREAMING.
Fast the sunset light is fading,
Nearer comes the lonely night,
On a maid intently dreaming
Dimly falls the evening light.
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