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Page 11
This morning the officers told us we must yield. We must obey and serve.
We were threatened great severities and even death. We seem perfectly at
the mercy of the military power, and, more, in the hands of the inferior
officers, who, from their being far removed from Washington, feel less
restraint from those Regulations of the Army, which are for the
protection of privates from personal abuse.
_26th._ [_9th_ month.]--Yesterday my mind was much agitated: doubts and
fears and forebodings seized me. I was alone, seeking a resting-place
and finding none. It seemed as if God had forsaken me in this dark hour;
and the Tempter whispered, that after all I might be only the victim of
a delusion. My prayers for faith and strength seemed all in vain.
But this morning I enjoy peace, and feel as though I could face
anything. Though I am as a lamb in the shambles, yet do I cry, "Thy will
be done," and can indeed say,--
Passive to His holy will
Trust I in my Master still
Even though he slay me.
I mind me of the anxiety of our dear friends about home, and of their
prayers for us.
Oh, praise be to the Lord for the peace and love and resignation that
has filled my soul today! Oh, the passing beauty of holiness! There is
a holy life that is above fear; it is a close communion with Christ. I
pray for this continually but am not free from the shadow and the
tempter. There is ever present with us the thought that perhaps we shall
serve the Lord the most effectually by our death, and desire, if that be
the service He requires of us, that we may be ready and resigned.
REGIMENTAL HOSPITAL, 4th Vermont. _29th._ [_9th_ month.]--On the evening
of the 26th the Colonel came to us apologizing for the roughness with
which he treated us at first, which was, as he insisted, through
ignorance of our real character and position. He told us if we persisted
in our course, death would probably follow; though at another time he
confessed to P.D. that this would only be the extreme sentence of
court-martial.
He urged us to go into the hospital, stating that this course was
advised by Friends about New York. We were too well aware of such a fact
to make any denial, though it was a subject of surprise to us that he
should be informed of it. He pleaded with us long and earnestly, urging
us with many promises of indulgence and favour and attentions we found
afterwards to be untrue. He gave us till the next morning to consider
the question and report our decision. In our discussion of the subject
among ourselves, we were very much perplexed. If all his statements
concerning the ground taken by our Society were true, we seemed to be
liable, if we persisted in the course which alone seemed to us to be in
accordance with Truth, to be exposed to the charge of over-zeal and
fanaticism even among our own brethren. Regarding the work to be done in
hospital as one of mercy and benevolence, we asked if we had any right
to refuse its performance; and questioned whether we could do more good
by endeavouring to bear to the end a clear testimony against war, than
by labouring by word and deed among the needy in the hospitals and
camps. We saw around us a rich field for usefulness in which there were
scarce any labourers, and toward whose work our hands had often started
involuntarily and unbidden. At last we consented to a trial, at least
till we could make inquiries concerning the Colonel's allegations, and
ask the counsel of our friends, reserving the privilege of returning to
our former position.
At first a great load seemed rolled away from us; we rejoiced in the
prospect of life again. But soon there prevailed a feeling of
condemnation, as though we had sold our Master. And that first day was
one of the bitterest I ever experienced. It was a time of stern conflict
of soul. The voice that seemed to say, "Follow me," as I sought
guidance the night before, kept pleading with me, convincing of sin,
till I knew of a truth my feet had strayed from His path. The
Scriptures, which the day before I could scarcely open without finding
words of strength and comfort, seemed closed against me, till after a
severe struggle alone in the wood to which I had retired, I consented to
give up and retrace my steps in faith. But it was too late. L.M.M.
wishing to make a fair, honest trial, we were brought here--P.D. being
already here unwell. We feel we are erring; but scarce anything is
required of us and we wait to hear from Friends.
Of these days of going down into sin, I wish to make little mention. I
would that my record of such degradation be brief. We wish to come to an
understanding with our friends and the Society before we move, but it
does not seem that we can repress the upheavings of Truth in our
hearts. We are bruised by sin.
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