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Page 4
[Illustration]
Ah, them must have been rayther rum times, them must! How the peepel
got about he don't seem quite to remember; but he says, as how
as amost all on 'em lived at their warious shops and warehouses,
and so mostly walked. There was, it seems, a few ramshackel old
coaches, called Ackney Coaches--coz, they was all maid at Ackney, I
suppose--all drorn by two ramshackel old Osses, and with werry shabby
old drivers with wisps of stror round their shabby old hats. Then some
brite Genus went and inwented Cabs, and they soon cut out the Ackney
Coaches, which all went back to Ackney, and was never seen no more.
And then, sum ewen briter Genus went and inwented Homnybusses, and
they rayther estonished the Cabs, and what the next brite Genus will
inwent in that line, I don't know, and SAM don't know, and I don't
suppose as nobody else don't. But the most wunderfullest thing of all
must have bin the having of no Perlice! For SAM, acshally declares,
that before Perlice was inwented by Sir ROBERT PEEL--therefore
wulgarly called Bobbys and Peelers--the only pertecters as London
had at night was a lot of werry old men, all crissened CHARLEY, who
used to sit in little boxes, such as the Solgers has at the QUEEN's
Pallaces, with a little lantern hanging up in front, and when the
Church Clocks all struck the hour, they all used to git out of their
boxes and wark up and down the streets a calling out, "Parst Three
o'Clock!" or "Parst Five o'Clock!" as it mite happen to be, and then
go back to their little boxes, and hang up their lanterns, and quietly
go to sleep! Ah, them must have been werry nice times for Messrs.
DICK TUPPIN, JACK SHEPHARD, BILL SIKES, and Cumpny, unlimited. But,
SAM says, as they made up for it by hanging ewery body as stole amost
anythink, such as a sheep, or a fi-pound note, or a gold watch, and
that on Mondays, which was Hanging Days, he has offen and offen stood
at the hend of the Hold Baley and seen sum five or six pore retches,
with white nite caps on, all a hanging together! and he says it all so
serously that we are forced to bleeve him.
Then there's old slowcoach Jo, the tea-totaller. We all likes to work
with him, and for a werry good reeson. But he's rayther a comical
feller is Jo. He says, when peeple cums to know all the true fax of
the case, they'll willingly pay dubble price for tea-total Waiters.
And he reelly is such a poor simple fellow that I werrily bleeves
as he bleeves hisself when he says it. I carn't think what he
means by it; but BROWN says as it's a perfeckly shameful attack
on the charackter of all us Waiters as ain't such fools as to be
Tea-totallers, and that we really ort all of us to cut him. But
no--I'm in favour of Free Trade in Waiters as in Wine, and I shoud
think that, in this pertickler case, his hobstinacy brings its own
punishment. For what can be a creweller life for a poor Waiter to
lead, than to be constantly surrounded by harf emty bottels of most
bewtifool Wines, of all kinds, so as to suit the most fastidgeous
Waiter's taste, and not ellowd to taste ewen one glass of 'em! I
thinks as I've heard of sum unfortnit hindiwidial, in holden times,
as used to be seated down hevrey day to a werry scrumpshus dinner,
but, whatever he fixt his mind upon, the Doctor woudn't allow him to
taste it, not by no means. His name, I think, was SANKY PANSER, some
relashun of MOODY and SANKY, I sposes. His master's name was DAN
QUICKSHOT, ony another name, I bleeves, for BUFFALO BILL. But that was
nothink of a case to wun as my son WILLIAM told us of the other day.
It seems as there was, wunce upon a time, a Greshian Gent, by the
name of TANTLUS, who, becoz he was found out in helping hisself to sum
werry speshal brand of Neckter, was condemned to stand up to his neck
in water for ewer so many years; and altho he was so dredfool thusty
that he would have drunk a lot of ewen that cold, thin stuff, he
wasn't allowed not to taste a drop; and, not only that, but there was
a lot of most bewtifool frute a hanging jest above his pore hed, and
whenever he tried jest to pluck a bit of it, the crewel wind blowed it
away out of his reach. Hence the prowerb, "You be blowed!"
In course I don't pertend to know how these things was manidged in
former times, but I werry much douts whether ewen a Greshian Gent's
constitushun coud posserbly have stood it for ewer so menny years!
ROBERT.
* * * * *
CARON AND CHARON.
(_AFTER DIPPING INTO MAJOR LE CARON'S "RECOLLECTIONS."_)
MAJOR LE CARON! Major! True, a greater
Or more accomplished spy who ever knew?
And so original! In fact, the _pater_
Of all deception yields the palm to You!
Courageous, honest, crafty, how you met
Wile with wile wilier! And then, forsooth,
You so transformed yourself to suit each set,
That it is praise to say, "you lied like truth!"
And in an honest cause! Renown'd Ulysses,
That craftiest hero yields to you in guile.
You touch the gold! You're not the man who misses
A chance! You caught the wariest with your smile!
"CARON!" The "h" is dropped, or we could fix
(And so we can if Greek the name we make)
You as the ancient Ferryman of Styx,
Punting the Ghosts across the Stygian lake.
The simile is nearly perfect, note,
For you, with your Conspirators afloat,
Were, as you've shown us, all in the same boat.
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