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Page 4
Tragedy and comedy mingle in the Agony Column. Erring ones are
urged to return for forgiveness; unwelcome suitors are warned that
"Father has warrant prepared; fly, Dearest One!" Loves that would
shame by their ardor Abelard and Heloise are frankly published--at
ten cents a word--for all the town to smile at. The gentleman in
the brown derby states with fervor that the blonde governess who
got off the tram at Shepherd's Bush has quite won his heart. Will
she permit his addresses? Answer; this department. For three
weeks West had found this sort of thing delicious reading. Best of
all, he could detect in these messages nothing that was not open
and innocent. At their worst they were merely an effort to
side-step old Lady Convention; this inclination was so rare in
the British, he felt it should be encouraged. Besides, he was
inordinately fond of mystery and romance, and these engaging twins
hovered always about that column.
So, while waiting for his strawberries, he smiled over the
ungrammatical outburst of the young lady who had come to doubt the
genuineness of him who called her Dearest. He passed on to the
second item of the morning. Spoke one whose heart had been
completely conquered:
MY LADY sleeps. She of raven tresses. Corner seat from Victoria,
Wednesday night. Carried program. Gentleman answering inquiry
desires acquaintance. Reply here. --LE ROI.
West made a mental note to watch for the reply of raven tresses.
The next message proved to be one of Aye's lyrics--now almost a
daily feature of the column:
DEAREST: Tender loving wishes to my dear one. Only to be with you
now and always. None "fairer in my eyes." Your name is music to
me. I love you more than life itself, my own beautiful darling,
my proud sweetheart, my joy, my all! Jealous of everybody. Kiss
your dear hands for me. Love you only. Thine ever. --AYE.
Which, reflected West, was generous of Aye--at ten cents a word
--and in striking contrast to the penurious lover who wrote,
farther along in the column:
--loveu dearly; wantocu; longing; missu--
But those extremely personal notices ran not alone to love.
Mystery, too, was present, especially in the aquatic utterance:
DEFIANT MERMAID: Not mine. Alligators bitingu now. 'Tis well;
delighted. --FIRST FISH.
And the rather sanguinary suggestion:
DE Box: First round; tooth gone. Finale. You will FORGET ME NOT.
At this point West's strawberries arrived and even the Agony
Column could not hold his interest. When the last red berry was
eaten he turned back to read:
WATERLOO: Wed. 11:53 train. Lady who left in taxi and waved,
care to know gent, gray coat? --SINCERE.
Also the more dignified request put forward in:
GREAT CENTRAL: Gentleman who saw lady in bonnet 9 Monday morning
in Great Central Hotel lift would greatly value opportunity of
obtaining introduction.
This exhausted the joys of the Agony Column for the day, and West,
like the solid citizen he really was, took up the Times to discover
what might be the morning's news. A great deal of space was given
to the appointment of a new principal for Dulwich College. The
affairs of the heart, in which that charming creature, Gabrielle
Ray, was at the moment involved, likewise claimed attention. And
in a quite unimportant corner, in a most unimportant manner, it was
related that Austria had sent an ultimatum to Serbia. West had
read part way through this stupid little piece of news, when
suddenly the Thunderer and all its works became an uninteresting
blur.
A girl stood just inside the door of the Carlton breakfast room.
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