The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce


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Page 21

DEAD, adj.

Done with the work of breathing; done
With all the world; the mad race run
Though to the end; the golden goal
Attained and found to be a hole!

Squatol Johnes


DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has
had the misfortune to overtake it.

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-
driver.

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
And finds at last he might as well have paid it.

Barlow S. Vode


DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough
to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to
embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the
Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.

No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.

Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.

Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.

Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.

Kill not, abet not those who kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.

Bear not false witness -- that is low --
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."

Cover thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

G.J.


DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences
over another set.

A leaf was riven from a tree,
"I mean to fall to earth," said he.

The west wind, rising, made him veer.
"Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."

The east wind rose with greater force.
Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."

With equal power they contend.
He said: "My judgment I suspend."

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Books | Photos | Paul Mutton | Sat 20th Dec 2025, 1:05