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Page 14
BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu
and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is
found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese,
for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by
Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy
and learned men who are never naughty.
O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,
First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,
You sit there so calm and securely,
With feet folded up so demurely --
You're the First Person Singular, surely.
Polydore Smith
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which
distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man
who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great wealth, or one who has
been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of
brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our
civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so
highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of
office.
BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one
part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-
grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time.
Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero
will venture to drink it.
BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.
C
CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the
patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps
asked the archangel for bread.
CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and
wise as a man's head.
The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending
the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire
consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the
cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of
state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that
several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his
murmuring subjects were appeased.
CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder
that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities
are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to
others.
CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils
afflicting another.
When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was
observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you
weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great
Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."
CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.
CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to
the show business. There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper
and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.
CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple
tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national
boundaries.
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