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Page 22
IV
6.45 P. M. No, it is useless. There is no human help
for me; I must fight this out single-handed. Two
courses lie before me. I might become this woman's
lover. Or I must endure such persecutions as she can
inflict upon me. Even if none come, I shall live in a
hell of apprehension. But she may torture me, she may
drive me mad, she may kill me: I will never, never,
never give in. What can she inflict which would be
worse than the loss of Agatha, and the knowledge that I
am a perjured liar, and have forfeited the name of
gentleman?
Pratt-Haldane was most amiable, and listened with all
politeness to my story. But when I looked at his heavy
set features, his slow eyes, and the ponderous study
furniture which surrounded him, I could hardly tell him
what I had come to say. It was all so substantial, so
material. And, besides, what would I myself have said
a short month ago if one of my colleagues had come to
me with a story of demonic possession? Perhaps. I
should have been less patient than he was. As it was,
he took notes of my statement, asked me how much tea I
drank, how many hours I slept, whether I had been
overworking much, had I had sudden pains in the head,
evil dreams, singing in the ears, flashes before the
eyes--all questions which pointed to his belief that
brain congestion was at the bottom of my trouble.
Finally he dismissed me with a great many platitudes
about open-air exercise, and avoidance of nervous
excitement. His prescription, which was for chloral
and bromide, I rolled up and threw into the gutter.
No, I can look for no help from any human being. If I
consult any more, they may put their heads together and
I may find myself in an asylum. I can but grip my
courage with both hands, and pray that an honest man
may not be abandoned.
April 10. It is the sweetest spring within the memory
of man. So green, so mild, so beautiful! Ah, what a
contrast between nature without and my own soul so torn
with doubt and terror! It has been an uneventful day,
but I know that I am on the edge of an abyss. I know
it, and yet I go on with the routine of my life. The
one bright spot is that Agatha is happy and well and
out of all danger. If this creature had a hand on each
of us, what might she not do?
April 16. The woman is ingenious in her torments. She
knows how fond I am of my work, and how highly my
lectures are thought of. So it is from that point that
she now attacks me. It will end, I can see, in my
losing my professorship, but I will fight to the
finish. She shall not drive me out of it without a
struggle.
I was not conscious of any change during my lecture
this morning save that for a minute or two I had a
dizziness and swimminess which rapidly passed away. On
the contrary, I congratulated myself upon having made
my subject (the functions of the red corpuscles) both
interesting and clear. I was surprised, therefore,
when a student came into my laboratory immediately
after the lecture, and complained of being puzzled by
the discrepancy between my statements and those in the
text books. He showed me his note-book, in which I was
reported as having in one portion of the lecture
championed the most outrageous and unscientific
heresies. Of course I denied it, and declared that he
had misunderstood me, but on comparing his notes with
those of his companions, it became clear that he was
right, and that I really had made some most
preposterous statements. Of course I shall explain it
away as being the result of a moment of aberration, but
I feel only too sure that it will be the first of a
series. It is but a month now to the end of the
session, and I pray that I may be able to hold out
until then.
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