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Page 37
STRANGER. I hadn't thought of that. Then ... I lay watching my past
life unroll before me like a panorama, through childhood, youth. ...
And when the roll was finished it began again. All the time I heard
a mill grinding. ... I can hear it still. Yes, here too!
MOTHER. Those were not pleasant visions.
STRANGER. No. At last I came to the conclusion ... that I was a
thoroughgoing scamp.
MOTHER. Why call yourself that?
STRANGER. I know you'd like to hear me say I was a scoundrel. But
that would seem to me like boasting. It would imply a certainty
about myself to which I've not attained.
MOTHER. You're still in doubt?
STRANGER. Of a great deal. But I've begun to have an inkling.
MOTHER. That. ...?
STRANGER. That there are forces which, till now, I've not believed in.
MOTHER. You've come to see that neither you, nor any other man,
directs your destiny?
STRANGER. I have.
MOTHER. Then you've already gone part of the way.
STRANGER. But I myself have changed. I'm ruined; for I've lost all
aptitude for writing. And I can't sleep at night.
MOTHER. Indeed!
STRANGER. What are called nightmares stop me. Last and worst: I
daren't die; for I'm no longer sure my miseries will end, with _my_
end.
MOTHER. Oh!
STRANGER. Even worse: I've grown so to loathe myself that I'd
escape from myself, if I knew how. If I were a Christian, I
couldn't obey the first commandment, to love my neighbour as
myself, for I should have to hate him as I hate myself. It's true
that I'm a scamp. I've always suspected it; and because I never
wanted life to fool me, I've observed 'others' carefully. When I
saw they were no better than I, I resented their trying to browbeat
me.
MOTHER. You've been wrong to think it a matter between you and
others. You have to deal with Him.
STRANGER. With whom?
MOTHER. The Invisible One, who guides your destiny.
STRANGER. Would I could see Him.
MOTHER. It would be your death.
STRANGER. Oh no!
MOTHER. Where do you get this devilish spirit of rebellion? If you
won't bow your neck like the rest, you must be broken like a reed.
STRANGER. I don't know where this fearful stubbornness comes from.
It's true an unpaid bill can make me tremble; but if I were to
climb Mount Sinai and face the Eternal One, I should not cover my
face.
MOTHER. Jesus and Mary! Don't say such things. You'll make me think
you're a child of the Devil.
STRANGER. Here that seems the general opinion. But I've heard that
those who serve the Evil One get honours, goods and gold as their
reward. Gold especially. Do you think me suspect?
MOTHER. You'll bring a curse on my house.
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