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Page 8
(Now I would like to see the man who could make up his mind to come into
the midst of such wretchedness at all.)
This news was brought to me in the selfsame night, and gave me a great
fright, as I now saw that I should not have a gracious master in his
lordship, but should all the time of my miserable life, even if I could
anyhow support it, find in him an ungracious lord. But I soon felt some
comfort, when Chim Kr�ger from Uekeritze, who brought me the news, took a
little bit of his sucking-pig out of his pocket and gave it to me.
Meanwhile old Paasch came in and said the same, and likewise brought me a
piece of his old cow; _item_, my other warden, Hinrich Seden, with a slice
of bread, and a fish which he had taken in his net, all saying they wished
for no better priest than me, and that I was only to pray to the merciful
Lord to bestow more upon them, whereupon I should want for nothing.
Meanwhile I must be quiet and not betray them. All this I promised, and my
daughter Mary took the blessed gifts of God off the table and carried them
into the inner chamber. But, alas! next morning, when she would have put
the meat into the caldron, it was all gone. I know not who prepared this
new sorrow for me, but much believe it was Hinrich Seden his wicked wife,
seeing he can never hold his tongue, and most likely told her everything.
Moreover, Paasch his little daughter saw that she had meat in her pot next
day; _item_, that she had quarrelled with her husband, and had flung the
fish-board at him, whereon some fresh fish-scales were sticking: she had,
however, presently recollected herself when she saw the child. (Shame on
thee, thou old witch, it is true enough, I dare say!) Hereupon nought was
left us but to feed our poor souls with the word of God. But even our
souls were so cast down that they could receive nought, any more than our
bellies; my poor child, especially, from day to day grew paler, greyer,
and yellower, and always threw up all her food, seeing she ate it without
salt or bread. I had long wondered that the bread from Liepe was not yet
done, but that every day at dinner I still had a morsel. I had often
asked, "Whence comes all this blessed bread? I believe, after all, you
save the whole for me, and take none for yourself or the maid." But they
both then lifted to their mouths a piece of fir-tree bark, which they had
cut to look like bread, and laid by their plates; and as the room was
dark, I did not find out their deceit, but thought that they, too, were
eating bread. But at last the maid told me of it, so that I should allow
it no longer, as my daughter would not listen to her. It is not hard to
guess how my heart was wrung when I saw my poor child lying on her bed of
moss struggling with grim hunger. But things were to go yet harder with
me, for the Lord in his anger would break me in pieces like a potter's
vessel. For behold, on the evening of the same day, old Paasch came
running to me, complaining that all his and my corn in the field had been
pulled up and miserably destroyed, and that it must have been done by
Satan himself, as there was not a trace either of oxen or horses. At these
words my poor child screamed aloud and fainted. I would have run to help
her, but could not reach her bed, and fell on the ground myself for bitter
grief. The loud cries of the maid and old Paasch soon brought us both to
our senses. But I could not rise from the ground alone, for the Lord had
bruised all my bones. I besought them, therefore, when they would have
helped me, to leave me where I was; and when they would not, I cried out
that I must again fall on the ground to pray, and begged them all save my
daughter to depart out of the room. This they did, but the prayer would
not come. I fell into heavy doubting and despair, and murmured against the
Lord that he plagued me more sorely than Lazarus or Job. Wretch that I
was, I cried, "Thou didst leave to Lazarus at least the crumbs and the
pitiful dogs, but to me thou hast left nothing, and I myself am less in
thy sight even than a dog; and Job thou didst not afflict until thou hadst
mercifully taken away his children, but to me thou hast left my poor
little daughter, that her torments may increase mine own a thousandfold.
Behold, then, I can only pray that thou wilt take her from the earth, so
that my grey head may gladly follow her to the grave! Woe is me, ruthless
father, what have I done? I have eaten bread, and suffered my child to
hunger! Oh, Lord Jesu, who hast said, 'What man is there of you, whom if
his son ask bread will he give him a stone?' Behold I am that man!--behold
I am that ruthless father! I have eaten bread and have given wood to my
child! Punish me; I will bear it and lie still. Oh, righteous Jesu, I have
eaten bread, and have given wood to my child!" As I did not speak, but
rather shrieked these words, wringing my hands the while, my child fell
upon my neck, sobbing, and chid me for murmuring against the Lord, seeing
that even she, a weak and frail woman, had never doubted his mercy, so
that with shame and repentance I presently came to myself, and humbled
myself before the Lord for such heavy sin.
Meanwhile the maid had run into the village with loud cries to see if she
could get anything for her poor young mistress, but the people had already
eaten their noontide meal, and most of them were gone to sea to seek their
blessed supper; thus she could find nothing, seeing that old wife Seden,
who alone had any victuals, would give her none, although she prayed her
by Jesu's wounds.
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