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Page 34
I did not know how to reply to him, and we again relapsed into silence,
although it was evident that he was anxious to talk and have me listen
to him.
"Why were you . . . why did you suffer this?" I inquired at last, not being
able to invent any better way of breaking the ice.
"Why, didn't you hear about this wretched business from Metenin?"
"Yes, a duel, I believe; I did not hear much about it," I replied. "You
see, I have been for some time in the Caucasus."
"No, it wasn't a duel, but it was a stupid and horrid story. I will tell
you all about it, if you don't know. It happened that the same year that
I met you at my sister's I was living at Petersburg. I must tell you I
had then what they call une position dans le monde,--a position good
enough if it was not brilliant. Mon pere me donnait ten thousand par an.
In '49 I was promised a place in the embassy at Turin; my uncle on my
mother's side had influence, and was always ready to do a great deal for
me. That sort of thing is all past now. J'etais recu dans la meilleure
societe de Petersburg; I might have aspired to any girl in the city. I
was well educated, as we all are who come from the school, but was not
especially cultivated; to be sure, I read a good deal afterwards, mais
j'avais surtout, you know, ce jargon du monde, and, however it came
about, I was looked upon as a leading light among the young men of
Petersburg. What raised me more than all in common estimation, c'est
cette liaison avec Madame D., about which a great deal was said in
Petersburg; but I was frightfully young at that time, and did not prize
these advantages very highly. I was simply young and stupid. What more
did I need? Just then that Metenin had some notoriety--"
And Guskof went on in the same fashion to relate to me the history of
his misfortunes, which I will omit, as it would not be at all
interesting.
"Two months I remained under arrest," he continued, "absolutely alone;
and what thoughts did I not have during that time? But, you know, when
it was all over, as though every tie had been broken with the past, then
it became easier for me. Mon pere,--you have heard tell of him, of
course, a man of iron will and strong convictions,--il m'a desherite,
and broken off all intercourse with me. According to his convictions he
had to do as he did, and I don't blame him at all. He was consistent.
Consequently, I have not taken a step to induce him to change his mind.
My sister was abroad. Madame D. is the only one who wrote to me when I
was released, and she sent me assistance; but you understand that I
could not accept it, so that I had none of those little things which
make one's position a little easier, you know,--books, linen, food,
nothing at all. At this time I thought things over and over, and began
to look at life with different eyes. For instance, this noise, this
society gossip about me in Petersburg, did not interest me, did not
flatter me; it all seemed to me ridiculous. I felt that I myself had
been to blame; I was young and indiscreet; I had spoiled my career, and
I only thought how I might get into the right track again. And I felt
that I had strength and energy enough for it. After my arrest, as I told
you, I was sent here to the Caucasus to the N. regiment.
"I thought," he went on to say, all the time becoming more and more
animated,--"I thought that here in the Caucasus, la vie de camp, the
simple, honest men with whom I should associate, and war and danger,
would all admirably agree with my mental state, so that I might begin a
new life. They will see me under fire. [Footnote: On me verra au feu.] I
shall make myself liked; I shall be respected for my real self,--the
cross--non-commissioned officer; they will relieve me of my fine; and I
shall get up again, et vous savez avec ce prestige du malheur! But, quel
desenchantement! You can't imagine how I have been deceived! You know
what sort of men the officers of our regiment are."
He did not speak for some little time, waiting, as it appeared, for me
to tell him that I knew the society of our officers here was bad; but I
made him no reply. It went against my grain that he should expect me,
because I knew French, forsooth, to be obliged to take issue with the
society of the officers, which, during my long residence in the
Caucasus, I had had time enough to appreciate fully, and for which I had
far higher respect than for the society from which Mr. Guskof had
sprung. I wanted to tell him so, but his position constrained me.
"In the N. regiment the society of the officers is a thousand times
worse than it is here," he continued. "I hope that it is saying a good
deal; J'ESPERE QUE C'EST BEAUCOUP DIRE; that is, you cannot imagine what
it is. I am not speaking of the yunkers and the soldiers. That is
horrible, it is so bad. At first they received me very kindly, that is
absolutely the truth; but when they saw that I could not help despising
them, you know, in these inconceivably small circumstances, they saw
that I was a man absolutely different, standing far above them, they got
angry with me, and began to put various little humiliations on me. You
haven't an idea what I had to suffer. [Footnote: CE QUE J'AI EUA
SOUFFRIR VOUS NE FAITES PAS UNE IDEE.] Then this forced relationship
with the yunkers, and especially with the small means that I had--I
lacked everything; [Footnote: AVEC LES PETITS MOYENS QUE J'AVAIS, JE
MANQUAIS DE TOUT] I had only what my sister used to send me. And here's
a proof for you! As much as it made me suffer, I with my character, AVEC
MA FIERTE J'AI ECRIS A MON PERE, begged him to send me something. I
understand how living four years of such a life may make a man like our
cashiered Dromof who drinks with soldiers, and writes notes to all the
officers asking them to loan him three rubles, and signing it, TOUT A
VOUS, DROMOF. One must have such a character as I have, not to be mired
in the least by such a horrible position."
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