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Page 42
'What's all this?' asked the policeman again. Psmith, adjusting his hat
at the correct angle again, undertook the explanations.
'A distressing scene, officer,' he said. 'A case of that unbridled
brawling which is, alas, but too common in our London streets. These
two, possibly till now the closest friends, fall out over some point,
probably of the most trivial nature, and what happens? They brawl.
They--'
'He 'it me,' said the long youth, dabbing at his face with a
handkerchief and pointing an accusing finger at Psmith, who regarded
him through his eyeglass with a look in which pity and censure were
nicely blended.
Bill, meanwhile, circling round restlessly, in the apparent hope of
getting past the Law and having another encounter with Mike, expressed
himself in a stream of language which drew stern reproof from the
shocked constable.
'You 'op it,' concluded the man in blue. 'That's what you do. You 'op
it.'
'I should,' said Psmith kindly. 'The officer is speaking in your best
interests. A man of taste and discernment, he knows what is best. His
advice is good, and should be followed.'
The constable seemed to notice Psmith for the first time. He turned and
stared at him. Psmith's praise had not had the effect of softening him.
His look was one of suspicion.
'And what might _you_ have been up to?' he inquired coldly. 'This
man says you hit him.'
Psmith waved the matter aside.
'Purely in self-defence,' he said, 'purely in self-defence. What else
could the man of spirit do? A mere tap to discourage an aggressive
movement.'
The policeman stood silent, weighing matters in the balance. He
produced a notebook and sucked his pencil. Then he called the conductor
of the tram as a witness.
'A brainy and admirable step,' said Psmith, approvingly. 'This rugged,
honest man, all unused to verbal subtleties, shall give us his plain
account of what happened. After which, as I presume this tram--little
as I know of the habits of trams--has got to go somewhere today, I
would suggest that we all separated and moved on.'
He took two half-crowns from his pocket, and began to clink them
meditatively together. A slight softening of the frigidity of the
constable's manner became noticeable. There was a milder beam in the
eyes which gazed into Psmith's.
Nor did the conductor seem altogether uninfluenced by the sight.
The conductor deposed that he had bin on the point of pushing on,
seeing as how he'd hung abart long enough, when he see'd them two
gents, the long 'un with the heye-glass (Psmith bowed) and t'other 'un,
a-legging of it dahn the road towards him, with the other blokes
pelting after 'em. He added that, when they reached the trem, the two
gents had got aboard, and was then set upon by the blokes. And after
that, he concluded, well, there was a bit of a scrap, and that's how it
was.
'Lucidly and excellently put,' said Psmith. 'That is just how it was.
Comrade Jackson, I fancy we leave the court without a stain on our
characters. We win through. Er--constable, we have given you a great
deal of trouble. Possibly--?'
'Thank you, sir.' There was a musical clinking. 'Now then, all of you,
you 'op it. You're all bin poking your noses in 'ere long enough. Pop
off. Get on with that tram, conductor.' Psmith and Mike settled
themselves in a seat on the roof. When the conductor came along, Psmith
gave him half a crown, and asked after his wife and the little ones at
home. The conductor thanked goodness that he was a bachelor, punched
the tickets, and retired.
'Subject for a historical picture,' said Psmith. 'Wounded leaving the
field after the Battle of Clapham Common. How are your injuries,
Comrade Jackson?'
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