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Page 12
Some time when I'm over in your bailiwick, I want to look you up
and get a little advice if you won't mind giving it to me. Don't
suppose you'd mind doing that.
Every once in a while I make an inquiry about "Red" Purnell and
they all say he's doing fine. He sure is a mighty loyal friend.
His job never swelled him even so much as a urine ant bite would.
I want to go over to see him one of these times, and see just how
long it would take me to find the Capitol building.
He and I took our first trip to New York City together. We got
the roofs of our mouths sun burned. . .
As ever,
EMBARRASSING MOMENT
April 16, 1921
Chicago Tribune
Chicago, Illinois
Gentlemen:
It happened only recently during the warm spell. I was in St.
Louis, and by chance, met an old school friend who I had not seen
since we were boys in Military School together. With him were the
female members of his family, and a large part of their feminine
acquaintances it would seem. After introductions and
felicitations all around, it so happened another former cadet of
the same Correctional Institution was passing in an auto when my
friend hailed him and called my attention to the fact that a
brother Shriner whom I ought to know was approaching. Imbued with
the spirit of the Order, I stepped to the curb at the point of
highest visibility to my pedestrian party, and started a most
elaborate and obsequious salaam--when suddenly and without
warning, the posterior warp and woof of my trousers gave way into
a jagged 14-inch Maltese Cross with the suddenness of the dam at
the Johnstown Flood.
If the remuneration for submitting this is in proportion to the
humiliation and mental pain and anguish suffered, the Tribune
Corporation will pass its next quarterly dividend.
Respectfully,
THE 75 CENT MYSTERY BILL
March 3, 1922
The W. H. Anderson Co.
524 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
Gentlemen:
I am just in receipt from you of a statement for 75 cents
prefixed with "Balance as per Last Statement", and underneath and
to one side of the figures is a sort of Odd Fellows hand with
thumb extended parallel to the open fingers, and "if you please"
inscribed on the palm thereof.
For the life of me I don't know what that balance is for. The
only thing I can remember having bought from you was away back
there about the first time Bryan ran, it seems to me. I ordered,
and paid cash at the time of purchase, a set of Watson's Works
Practice and Forms. Part of the set was to be delivered at once
(and it was) and the balance in a short time thereafter. Well,
time wore on, the horse was supplanted by the automobile,
congress shoes were relegated to the attic. . . Sometime during
this time, which we will call the "Elizabethan Period" of this
transaction, to my utter consternation, I received another volume
of this important Work. I was delighted, as the clear and fresh
blue of the volume brightened up the general drab of those other
volumes that had come to me long before. . .
Again, time wore on. Grover Cleveland and his Memorial Day
fishing trips were discussed less and less by adverse
politicians, . . . telephones came into universal use, Cole
Younger was released from the Stillwater Prison; . . . George
Blake, one of our local inventive geniuses, set in motion in his
downtown basement his perpetual motion machine, that when once
got in motion was only stilled when it disintegrated and tore out
his east brick wall and scattered cogs, wheels and shafts over a
radius of two blocks; . . . when, lo!--another and last volume
made its appearance, making my set . . . complete. What more
could I ask, except to fervently regret that they all did not get
here before mine eyes were dimmed, mine step halting, and my hand
palsied?
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