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Page 45
Throughout the winter one question above all others was discussed by the
few who took an interest in the war: "What were the Germans going to
do?" It was clear that they had been able to withdraw many divisions
from their Eastern Front. Would they be numerically equal or superior to
the Allies on the Western Front?
On the whole we were of opinion that, whatever happened, our positions
would prove impregnable, although we observed with some astonishment
that there were no extensive trench systems or fortified places behind
our lines. I doubted whether the Germans would even attempt to break
through--I thought they would merely hold the Western Front and throw
the Allies out of Macedonia, Palestine, and Mesopotamia.
The winter was over and the fine weather had set in. For several months
we had been working in a wood-yard and saw-mills. Our lives had become
unspeakably monotonous, but the coming of warm days banished much of our
dreariness. The hazy blue sky was an object of real delight. I often
contrived to slip away from my work and lean idly against a wall in the
mild sunshine. At times I was so filled with the sense of physical
well-being, and so penetrated by the sensuous enjoyment of warmth and
colour, that I even forgot the war.
At the bottom of the wood-yard was a little stream, and on the far bank
clusters of oxlips were in bloom. Here we would lie down during the
midday interval and surrender to the charm of the spring weather. It
seemed unnatural and almost uncanny that we should be happy, but there
were moments when we felt something very much like happiness. Moreover,
it was rumoured that leave was going to start. How glorious it would be
to spend a sunny May or June in England!
Once a fortnight we paraded for our pay outside one of the bigger sheds
of the yard. As a rule, I was filled with impatience and irritation at
having to wait in a long queue and move forward step by step, but now it
had become pleasant to tarry in the sunshine. One day, when we were
lined up between two large huts, a deep Yellow Brimstone butterfly came
floating idly past. It gave me inexpressible delight, a delight tempered
by sadness and a longing for better times. I drew my pay and saluted
perfunctorily, being unable and unwilling to think of anything but the
beauty of the sky, the sun, and the wonderful insect.
I held my three ten-franc notes in my hand and thought: "I _will_ enjoy
this lovely day to the full. When we get back to camp I will do without
the repulsive army fare, I will dine at the St. Martin and buy a bottle
of the best French wine, even if it costs me twenty francs. And then
I'll walk to the little wood on the hill-slope and there I'll lie all
the evening and dream or read a book."
The whistle sounded. It was time to go back to work. But I cursed the
work and decided to take the small risk and remain idle for an hour or
two. I went to an outlying part of the yard and sat down on a patch of
long grass and leant back against a shed. The air was hot and several
bees flew by. Their buzzing reminded me of summer holidays spent in
southern France before the war. I thought of vineyards and orchards, of
skies intensely blue, of scorching sunshine, of the tumultuous chirping
of cicadas and grasshoppers, and then of the tepid nights crowded with
glittering stars and hushed except for the piping of tree-frogs.
Before the war--before the war--I repeated the words to myself. They
conveyed a sense of immeasurable remoteness, of something gone and lost
for ever. But I _wouldn't_ think about it. I _would_ enjoy the present.
But the calm waters of happiness had been ruffled and it was beyond my
power to restore their tranquillity. I began to think of many things, of
the war itself, of the possible offensive, and soon the fretful
rebellious discontent, that obsessed all those of us who had not lost
their souls, began to reassert itself.
But why not desert? Why not escape to the south of France? Why not enjoy
a week, a fortnight, a month of freedom? I would be caught in the end--I
would be punished. I would receive Number 1 Field Punishment, and I
would be tied to a wheel or post, but nevertheless it would be worth
it! I imagined myself slipping out of camp at night and walking until
dawn. Then I would sleep in some wood or copse and then walk on again,
calling at remote farms to buy bread and eggs and milk. I would reach
the little village, the main street winding between white houses and
flooded with brilliant moonlight. I would climb the wall and drop into
the familiar garden and await the morning. Then I would knock at the
door and I would be welcomed by an old peasant woman, and she would ask:
"Tu viens en perme?" How could I answer that question? It worried me, I
felt it was spoiling my dream. But I dreamt on and at the same time
battled against increasing depression. Even a few days of freedom would
be a break, a change from routine. And would the little village be the
same as when I saw it last? No, it would be different, it would be at
war. I might escape from the army, but I could never escape from the
war. My dream had vanished.
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