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Page 17
The public will be thrilled to hear that a match has now been arranged
between the two lady aspirants for the World's Patience Championship,
_viz._, Miss Tabitha Templeman, of Bath, and Miss Priscilla J. Jarndyce, of
Washington. To meet the territorial prejudices of both ladies the contest
will take place in mid-Atlantic, on a liner. There will be no seconds, but
Miss Templeman will be accompanied by the pet Persian, which she always
holds in her lap while playing, and Miss Jarndyce will bring with her the
celebrated foot-warmer which is associated with her greatest triumphs. The
vexed question of the allocation of cinema royalties has been settled
through the tact of Mr. Manketlow Spefforth, author of _Patience for the
Impatient_. One lady wanted the royalties to be devoted to a Home for Stray
Cats, and the other expressed a desire to benefit the Society for the
Preservation of Wild Bird Life. Mr. Spefforth's happy compromise is that
the money shall be assigned to the Fund in aid of Distressed Spinsters.
Bert Hawkins, of Whitechapel, has expressed his willingness, on suitable
terms, to meet T'gumbu, the powerful Matabele, in a twenty-ball contest for
the World's Cokernut-Shying Championship. There is however a deadlock over
details. T'gumbu's manager is adamant that the match shall take place in
his nominee's native village of Mpm, but Mr. Hawkins objects, seeing little
chance of escaping alive after the victory of which he is so confident. He
says he would "feel more safer like on 'Ampstead 'Eaf." Another difficulty
is that Mr. Hawkins insists on wearing his _fianc�e's_ headgear while
competing, and this is regarded by T'gumbu as savouring of witchcraft. Mr.
Hawkins generously offers his opponent permission to wear any article of
his wives' clothing; but the coloured candidate quite reasonably retorts
that this concession is practically valueless. On one point fortunately
there is unaniminity: both parties are firm that all bad nuts must be
replaced.
* * * * *
ANOTHER ASIAN MYSTERY.
"OLD AND RARE PAINTINGS. Exquisite works of old Indian art. Mytholo-Roast
Beef or Pork: Bindaloo Sausages gical, Historical, Medi�val."--_Englishman_
(_Calcutta_).
* * * * *
"Two capable young gentlemen desire Posts in good families as
Companions, ladies or children; mending, hairdressing, decorations;
willing to travel; in or near London."--_Daily Paper._
What did _they_ do in the Great War?
* * * * *
"One of the exquisite features was the presence of the Deacon's wives.
We had 83 upon our Roll of Honour, and of these 36 turned up."--_Parish
Magazine._
The other forty-seven being presumably engaged in looking after the Deacon.
* * * * *
"In addition to the fine work done by the Irish regiments he assured
them that many a warm Irish heart beat under a Scottish kilt."--_Local
Paper._
Surely Irishmen enlisted in Scottish regiments are not so down-hearted as
all that!
* * * * *
THE TALE OF THE TUNEFUL TUB.
["Why do so many people sing in the bathroom?... The note is struck for
them by the running water. While the voice sounds resonantly in the
bath-room it is not half so fine and inspiring when the song is
continued in the dressing-room. The reason is that the furniture of the
dressing-room tends to deaden the reverberations."--_Prof. W.H. BRAGG
on "The World of Sound."_]
When to my morning tub I go,
With towel, dressing-gown and soap,
Then most, the while I puff and blow,
My soul with song doth overflow
(Not unmelodiously, I hope).
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