Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 3, 1892 by Various


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Page 1

His earliest object was to become secretary to somebody or something,
the Prime Minister, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, the Society
for the Protection of Aborigines, or Ancient Monuments, or even as
Secretary to the Carlton Club, SAUNDERS felt he could do his talents
justice in any of these positions. If anything was to be had, SAUNDERS
was the boy to ask for it; nay more, to ask other people to ask.
Private Secretaryships to Ministers, or societies, or great Clubs,
are not invariably given to the first applicant who comes along, even
if he appeals to testimonials in the Junior Mathematical Class from
Professor MCGLASHAN of St. Mungo's. But SAUNDERS was not daunted. He
would write to one notable, informing him that his grandmother had
been at a parish school with the notable's great uncle--on which
ground of acquaintanceship he would ask that the notable should
at once get him a post as Secretary of a Geological Society, or as
Inspector of Manufactories, or of Salmon Fisheries, or to a Commission
on the Trade of Knife-grinding.

Another notable he would tell that he had once been pointed out
to him in a railway station, therefore he was emboldened to ask
his correspondent to ask his Publisher, to get at the Editor of
the _Times_, and recommend him, SAUNDERS, as Musical Critic,
or Sub-editor, or Society Reporter. Nor did SAUNDERS neglect
Professorships, and vacant Chairs. His testimonials went in for all
of them. He was equally ready and qualified to be Professor of Greek,
Metaphysics, Etruscan, Chemistry, or the Use of the Globes, while
Biblical criticism and Natural Religion, prompted his wildest
yearnings. Though ignorant of foreign languages, he was prepared to
be a correspondent anywhere, and though he was purely unlearned in all

with the assistance of a large and competent staff. His proofs of
capacity for a series of occupations that would have staggered a
CRICHTON, was always attested by his old College testimonials, for
SAUNDERS was of opinion that the courteous _obiter dictum_ of a
Professor was an Open Sesame to all the golden gates of the world.
Meanwhile, he supported existence by teaching the elements of the
classic languages, with which he had the most distant acquaintance, to
little boys, at a Day School. But one of these pupils came home, one
afternoon, in tears, having been beaten on the palms of the hands
with a leathern strap, in addition to the task of writing out the

accordance with SAUNDERS'S instructions, he had represented the
Cyclops of Euripides as "sweeping the stars with a rake." The
original words of the Athenian poet do not bear this remarkable
construction, so SAUNDERS was dismissed from the only work which he
had ever made even a pretence of doing. He has not the energy, nor
the lungs necessary for the profession of an agitator; he has not
the grammar required in a penny-a-liner, he cannot cut hair, and his
manners unfit him for the occupation of a shop-assistant, so that
little is left open to SAUNDERS but the industry of the Blackmailer.
The office of Secretary to a Missionary in a Leper settlement, on an
island of Tierra Del Fuego, is, however, vacant; and, if the many
important personages with whom SAUNDERS has corresponded will only
make a united effort, it is possible that the Man who would Get
on may at last be got off, and relieve society from the burden of
his solicitations. May the comparative failure in life of SAUNDERS
MCGREGOR act as a warning to those who think that they shall be
heard, by men, for their much asking!

P.S.--This does not apply to women. We have just been informed that
Mr. SAUNDERS MCGREGOR, M.A., is about to lead to the altar the only
and orphan daughter of the late ALISTER MCFUNGUS, Esq., of Castle
Fungus, Dreepdaily, N.B., the eminent introducer of remarkably
improved processes in the manufacture of Heel-ball.

* * * * *

"ONE DOWN, T'OTHER COME ON!"--Mr. HORACE SEDGER has a _Prima Donna_
supply always on tap. After two of them have retired from the
principal part in _Incognita_, the lively Miss AIDA JENOURE--("'Aid
'em JENOURE,' she ought to be called," quoth Mr. WAGGSTAFF)--comes to
the rescue, and "on we goes again" with an excellent _danseuse_, too,
thoroughly in earnest, as her name implies, which sounds like Miss
Sin-cere and is written Miss ST. CYR.

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE FIGHT FOR THE STANDARD.]

* * * * *

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