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Page 2
"A GREAT HELPLESS HULK TEN FEET TO THE REAR"
THE PURSUIT OF THE HOUSE-BOAT
I
THE ASSOCIATED SHADES TAKE ACTION
The House-boat of the Associated Shades, formerly located upon the River
Styx, as the reader may possibly remember, had been torn from its moorings
and navigated out into unknown seas by that vengeful pirate Captain Kidd,
aided and abetted by some of the most ruffianly inhabitants of Hades. Like
a thief in the night had they come, and for no better reason than that the
Captain had been unanimously voted a shade too shady to associate with
self-respecting spirits had they made off with the happy floating
club-house of their betters; and worst of all, with them, by force of
circumstances over which they had no control, had sailed also the fair
Queen Elizabeth, the spirited Xanthippe, and every other strong-minded and
beautiful woman of Erebean society, whereby the men thereof were rendered
desolate.
"I can't stand it!" cried Raleigh, desperately, as with his accustomed
grace he presided over a special meeting of the club, called on the bank
of the inky Stygian stream, at the point where the missing boat had been
moored. "Think of it, gentlemen, Elizabeth of England, Calpurnia of Rome,
Ophelia of Denmark, and every precious jewel in our social diadem gone,
vanished completely; and with whom? Kidd, of all men in the universe!
Kidd, the pirate, the ruffian--"
"Don't take on so, my dear Sir Walter," said Socrates, cheerfully. "What's
the use of going into hysterics? You are not a woman, and should eschew
that luxury. Xanthippe is with them, and I'll warrant you that when that
cherished spouse of mine has recovered from the effects of the sea, say
the third day out, Kidd and his crew will be walking the plank, and
voluntarily at that."
"But the House-boat itself," murmured Noah, sadly. "That was my delight.
It reminded me in some respects of the Ark."
"The law of compensation enters in there, my dear Commodore," retorted
Socrates. "For me, with Xanthippe abroad I do not need a club to go to; I
can stay at home and take my hemlock in peace and straight. Xanthippe
always compelled me to dilute it at the rate of one quart of water to the
finger."
"Well, we didn't all marry Xanthippe," put in C�sar, firmly, "therefore we
are not all satisfied with the situation. I, for one, quite agree with Sir
Walter that something must be done, and quickly. Are we to sit here and do
nothing, allowing that fiend to kidnap our wives with impunity?"
"Not at all," interposed Bonaparte. "The time for action has arrived. All
things considered he is welcome to Marie Louise, but the idea of Josephine
going off on a cruise of that kind breaks my heart."
"No question about it," observed Dr. Johnson. "We've got to do something
if it is only for the sake of appearances. The question really is, what
shall be done first?"
"I am in favor of taking a drink as the first step, and considering the
matter of further action afterwards," suggested Shakespeare, and it was
this suggestion that made the members unanimous upon the necessity for
immediate action, for when the assembled spirits called for their various
favorite beverages it was found that there were none to be had, it being
Sunday, and all the establishments wherein liquid refreshments were
licensed to be sold being closed--for at the time of writing the local
government of Hades was in the hands of the reform party.
"What!" cried Socrates. "Nothing but Styx water and vitriol, Sundays? Then
the House-boat must be recovered whether Xanthippe comes with it or not.
Sir Walter, I am for immediate action, after all. This ruffian should be
captured at once and made an example of."
"Excuse me, Socrates," put in Lindley Murray, "but, ah--pray speak in
Greek hereafter, will you, please? When you attempt English you have a
beastly way of working up to climatic prepositions which are offensive to
the ear of a purist."
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