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Page 24
If the boy has got out of hand, I ask, Whose fault is that? and is it
fair to the child that your fault should be remedied by sending him away
from all that is best and most purifying in child life? I would plead
earnestly that eleven or twelve is old enough for the private school,
and that a boy should not be sent to a public school before fourteen. In
this I think most of our English head-masters would agree with me. Till
this age, a day school or a tutor should be had recourse to, and when
the time comes for sending him off to school, at least we can refuse to
place the boy anywhere, either at a private or public school, where
there is not some woman to mother and look after the boys and exert a
good womanly influence over them. A head-master keenly alive to moral
dangers, with a capable wife ready to use her womanly influence in
aiding and abetting his efforts, I have found the best possible
combination.
But if it is decided that the boys are to be brought up at the day
school, your range of choice will probably be very small. You will have
to look wholly to your home influence and teaching to counteract any
evil influence they may encounter in their school life. But as your boys
will never be separated from you, what may not that home influence and
teaching, with knowledge and forewarning to direct it,--what may it not
accomplish?
II
Let us, then, think out the best ways in which you can warn and guard
your boy and fulfil your responsibility of being his moral teacher.
Let us begin with the simplest measure which you can take, and which can
present no difficulty to anyone. Before sending your boy to school get
him quietly by himself and say to him some such words as these: "My boy,
you know, or will come to know, that when boys get together they often
talk of nasty things, and even do nasty things. Give me your word of
honor as a Christian and a gentleman that you will never say or do
anything that you know you would be ashamed to tell me, that you know
would bring a blush to your sister's cheeks. Always remember that dirty
talk, and still more dirty deeds, are only fit for cads. Promise me
faithfully that you will never let any boy, especially an elder boy,
tell you 'secrets.' If you were to consent through curiosity, or because
you feel flattered at one of the elder fellows taking you up, be sure he
means you no good. Whatever you want to know ask me, and so far as I can
I will tell you." Some such words as these said solemnly to a boy the
day before he leaves home for the first time, either for a
boarding-school, or even a day school, will make your womanhood a sort
of external conscience to your boy, to guard him from those first
beginnings of impurity, in the shape of what are technically called
"secrets," which lead on to all the rest. I know one mother who, from
her boy's earliest years, has made a solemn pact with him, on the one
hand, if he would promise never to ask any questions about life and
birth of anyone but her, she, in her turn, would promise to tell him all
he wanted to know; and from first to last there has been that perfect
confidence and friendship between mother and son which is, and ever must
be, a boy's greatest safeguard.
Only remember that with young boys men who have had the greatest
experience are generally agreed that it is better not to put the stress
on religious motives. Practically, for a young boy, it is better to
treat the whole thing as dirty, nasty, and blackguardly. And the whole
subject must always be spoken of with reserve, without any emotion, and
with much "dry light."
With most lads I should go a step further; I should give the boy one of
the White Cross papers, "A Strange Companion."[14] It is impossible to
lay down hard and fast rules; it is impossible to make so many jam-pots
of even young humanity, to be tied up and labelled and arranged upon the
same shelf. Each individuality has to be dealt with in all its
mysterious idiosyncrasy. One boy may be so reserved that it is better to
write to him than to talk face to face; another may find the greatest
possible strength and comfort in freedom of speech and the feeling that
there is no barrier between him and his mother with regard to being able
to tell her freely of any temptations that may assail him. Your mother's
instincts will be your best guide as to what method to adopt with each
of your boys.
If the father of the lad can be induced, at any rate before he enters a
boarding-school, to follow the advice of that remarkable man, Mr.
Thring, the founder of Uppingham School, in his address to our Church
Congress, and write a letter of plain warning and counsel to the lad, it
would be an unspeakable help. "My first statement," says Mr. Thring,
"is that all fathers ought to write such a letter to their sons. It is
not difficult, if done in a common-sense way."[15]
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