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Page 72
Then I told Cynthia what I could tell of my own experiences, and she
heard them with astonishment. Then I said:
"What surprises me about it, is that I seem somehow to have been given
more than I can hold. I have a very shallow and trivial nature, like a
stream that sparkles pleasantly enough over a pebbly bottom, but in
which no boat or man can swim. I have always been absorbed in the
observation of details and in the outside of things. I spent so much
energy in watching the faces and gestures and utterances and tricks of
those about me that I never had the leisure to look into their hearts.
And now these great depths have opened before me, and I feel more
childish and feeble than ever, like a frail glass which holds a most
precious liquor, and gains brightness and glory from the hues of the
wine it holds, but is not like the gem, compact of colour and radiance."
Cynthia laughed at me.
"At all events, you have not forgotten how to make metaphors," she said.
"No," said I, "that is part of the mischief, that I see the likenesses
of things and not their essences." At which she laughed again more
softly, and rested her cheek on my shoulder.
Then I told her of the departure of Amroth.
"That is wonderful," she said.
And then I told her of my own approaching departure, at which she grew
sad for a moment. Then she said, "But come, let us not waste time in
forebodings. Will you come with me into the house to see the likenesses
of things, or shall we have an hour alone together, and try to look into
essences?"
I caught her by the hand.
"No," I said, "I care no more about the machinery of these
institutions. I am the pilgrim of love, and not the student of
organisations. If you may quit your task, and leave your ladies to
regretful memories of their lap-dogs, let us go out together for a
little, and say what we can--for I am sure that my time is approaching."
Cynthia smiled and left me, and returned running; and then we rambled
off together, up the steep paths of the woodland, to the mountain-top,
from which we had a wide prospect of the heavenly country, a great blue
well-watered plain lying out for leagues before us, with the shapes of
mysterious mountains in the distance. But I can give no account of all
we said or did, for heart mingled with heart, and there was little need
of speech. And even so, in those last sweet hours, I could not help
marvelling at how utterly different Cynthia's heart and mind were from
my own; even then it was a constant shock of surprise that we should
understand each other so perfectly, and yet feel so differently about
so much. It seemed to me that, even after all I had seen and suffered,
my heart was still bent on taking and Cynthia's on giving. I seemed to
see my own heart through Cynthia's, while she appeared to see mine but
through her own. We spoke of our experiences, and of our many friends,
now hidden from us--and at last we spoke of Lucius. And then Cynthia
said:
"It is strange, dearest, that now and then there should yet remain any
doubt at all in my mind about your wish or desire; but I must speak; and
before I speak, I will say that whatever you desire, I will do. But I
think that Lucius has need of me, and I am his, in a way which I cannot
describe. He is halting now in his way, and he is unhappy because his
life is incomplete. May I help him?"
At this there struck through me a sharp and jealous pang; and a dark
cloud seemed to float across my mind for a moment. But I set all aside,
and thought for an instant of the vision of God. And then I said:
"Yes, Cynthia! I had wondered too; and it seems perhaps like the last
taint of earth, that I would, as it were, condemn you to a sort of
widowhood of love when I am gone. But you must follow your own heart,
and its pure and sweet advice, and the Will of Love; and you must use
your treasure, not hoard it for me in solitude. Dearest, I trust you and
worship you utterly and entirely. It is through you and your love that I
have found my way to the heart of God; and if indeed you can take
another heart thither, you must do it for love's own sake." And after
this we were silent for a long space, heart blending wholly with heart.
Then suddenly I became aware that some one was coming up through the
wood, to the rocks where we sat: and Cynthia clung close to me, and I
knew that she was sorrowful to death. And then I saw Lucius come up out
of the wood, and halt for a moment at the sight of us together. Then he
came on almost reverently, and I saw that he carried in his hand a
sealed paper like that which had been given to Amroth; and I read it and
found my summons written.
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