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Page 52
XXVI
But all my speculations were cut short by a strange event which happened
about this time. One day, without any warning, the thought of Cynthia
darted urgently and irresistibly into my mind. Her image came between me
and all my tasks; I saw her in innumerable positions and guises, but
always with her eyes bent on me in a pitiful entreaty. After
endeavouring to resist the thought for a little as some kind of fantasy,
I became suddenly convinced that she was in need of me, and in urgent
need. I asked for an interview with our Master, and told him the story;
he heard me gravely, and then said that I might go in search of her; but
I was not sure that he was wholly pleased, and he bent his eyes upon me
with a very inquiring look. I hesitated whether or not to call Amroth to
my aid, but decided that I had better not do so at first. The question
was how to find her; the great crags lay between me and the land of
delight; and when I hurried out of the college, the thought of the
descent and its dangers fairly unmanned me. I knew, however, of no other
way. But what was my surprise when, on arriving at the top, not far from
the point where Amroth had greeted me after the ascent, I saw a little
steep path, which wound itself down into the gulleys and chimneys of the
black rocks. I took it without hesitation, and though again and again it
seemed to come to an end in front of me, I found that it could be traced
and followed without serious difficulty. The descent was accomplished
with a singular rapidity, and I marvelled to find myself at the
crag-base in so brief a time, considering the intolerable tedium of the
ascent. I rapidly crossed the intervening valley, and was very soon at
the gate of the careless land. To my intense joy, and not at all to my
surprise, I found Cynthia at the gate itself, waiting for me with a
look of expectancy. She came forwards, and threw herself passionately
into my arms, murmuring words of delight and welcome, like a child.
"I knew you would come," she said. "I am frightened--all sorts of
dreadful things have happened. I have found out where I am--and I seem
to have lost all my friends. Charmides is gone, and Lucius is cruel to
me--he tells me that I have lost my spirits and my good looks, and am
tiresome company."
I looked at her--she was paler and frailer-looking than when I left her;
and she was habited very differently, in simpler and graver dress. But
she was to my eyes infinitely more beautiful and dearer, and I told her
so. She smiled at that, but half tearfully; and we seated ourselves on a
bench hard by, looking over the garden, which was strangely and
luxuriantly beautiful.
"You must take me away with you at once," she said. "I cannot live here
without you. I thought at first, when you went, that it was rather a
relief not to have your grave face at my shoulder,"--here she took my
face in her hands--"always reminding me of something I did not want, and
ought to have wanted--but oh, how I began to miss you! and then I got so
tired of this silly, lazy place, and all the music and jokes and
compliments. But I am a worthless creature, and not good for anything. I
cannot work, and I hate being idle. Take me anywhere, _make_ me do
something, beat me if you like, only force me to be different from what
I am."
"Very well," I said. "I will give you a good beating presently, of
course, but just let me consider what will hurt you most, silly child!"
"That is it," she said. "I want to be hurt and bruised, and shaken as my
nurse used to shake me, when I was a naughty child. Oh dear, oh dear,
how wretched I am!" and poor Cynthia laid her head on my shoulder and
burst into tears.
"Come, come," I said, "you must not do that--I want my wits about me;
but if you cry, you will simply make a fool of me--and this is no time
for love-making."
"Then you do really _care_", said Cynthia in a quieter tone. "That is
all I want to know! I want to be with you, and see you every hour and
every minute. I can't help saying it, though it is really very
undignified for me to be making love to you. I did many silly things on
earth, but never anything quite so feeble as that!"
I felt myself fairly bewildered by the situation. My psychology did not
seem to help me; and here at least was something to love and rescue. I
will say frankly that, in my stupidity and superiority, I did not really
think of loving Cynthia in the way in which she needed to be loved. She
was to me, with all my grave concerns and problems, as a charming and
intelligent child, with whom I could not even speak of half the thoughts
which absorbed me. So I just held her in my arms, and comforted her as
best I could; but what to do and where to bestow her I could not tell.
I saw that her time to leave the place of desire had come, but what she
could turn to I could not conceive.
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