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Page 28
"Yes, that was an ugly business," said the voice of Amroth beside me,
"but you got through it fairly well. How do you feel?"
"I call it a perfect outrage," I said. "What is the meaning of this
hateful business?"
"The meaning?" said Amroth; "never mind about the meaning. The point is
that you are here!"
"Oh," I said, "I have had a horrible time. All my sense of security is
gone from me. Is one indeed liable to this kind of interruption,
Amroth?"
"Of course," said Amroth, "there must be some tests; but you will be
better very soon. It is all over for the present, I may tell you, and
you will soon be able to enjoy it. There is no terror in past
suffering--it is the purest joy."
"Yes, I used to say so and think so," I said, closing my eyes. "But this
was different--it was horrible! And the time it lasted, and the despair
of it! It seems to have soaked into my whole life and poisoned it."
Amroth said nothing for a minute, but watched me closely.
Presently I went on. "And tell me one thing. There was a ghastly thing I
saw, some mouldering bones on a ledge. Can people indeed fall and die
there?"
"Perhaps it was only a phantom," said Amroth, "put there like the
sights in the _Pilgrim's Progress_, the fire that was fed secretly with
oil, and the robin with his mouth full of spiders, as an encouragement
for wayfarers!"
"But that," I said, "would be too horrible for anything--to turn the
terrors of death into a sort of conjuring trick--a dramatic
entertainment, to make one's flesh creep! Why, that was the misery of
some of the religion taught us in old days, that it seemed often only
dramatic--a scene without cause or motive, just displayed to show us the
anger or the mercy of God, so that one had the miserable sense that much
of it was a spectacular affair, that He Himself did not really suffer or
feel indignation, but thought it well to feign emotions, like a
schoolmaster to impress his pupils.--and that people too were not
punished for their own sakes, to help them, but just to startle or
convince others."
"Yes," said Amroth, "I was only jesting, and I see that my jests were
out of place. Of course what you saw was real--there are no pretences
here. Men and women do indeed suffer a kind of death--the second
death--in these places, and have to begin again; but that is only for a
certain sort of self-confident and sin-soaked person, whose will needs
to be roughly broken. There are certain perverse sins of the spirit
which need a spiritual death, as the sins of the body need a bodily
death. Only thus can one be born again."
"Well," I said, "I am amazed--but now what am I to do? I am fit for
nothing, and I shall be fit for nothing hereafter."
"If you talk like this," said Amroth, "you will only drive me away.
There are certain things that it is better not to confess to one's
dearest friend, not even to God. One must just be silent about them, try
to forget them, hope they can never happen again. I tell you, you will
soon be all right; and if you are not you will have to see a physician.
But you had better not do that unless you are obliged."
This made me feel ashamed of myself, and the shame took off my thoughts
from what I had endured; but I could do nothing but lie aching and
panting on the rocks for a long time, while Amroth sat beside me in
silence.
"Are you vexed?" I said after a long pause.
"No, no, not vexed," said Amroth, "but I am not sure whether I have not
made a mistake. It was I who urged that you might go forward, and I
confess I am disappointed at the result. You are softer than I thought."
"Indeed I am not," I said. "I will go down the rocks and come up again,
if that will satisfy you."
"Come, that is a little better," said Amroth, "and I will tell you now
that you did well--better indeed at the time than I expected. You did
the thing in very good time, as we used to say."
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