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Page 55
It was thus it happened. There is an excellent fellow, once a
minister,--I will call him Isaacs,--who deserves well of the world till
he dies, and after, because he once, in a real exigency, did the right
thing, in the right way, at the right time, as no other man could do it.
In the world's great football match, the ball by chance found him
loitering on the outside of the field; he closed with it, "camped" it,
charged it home,--yes, right through the other side,--not disturbed, not
frightened by his own success,--and breathless found himself a great
man, as the Great Delta rang applause. But he did not find himself a
rich man; and the football has never come in his way again. From that
moment to this moment he has been of no use, that one can see at all.
Still, for that great act we speak of Isaacs gratefully and remember him
kindly; and he forges on, hoping to meet the football somewhere again.
In that vague hope, he had arranged a "movement" for a general
organization of the human family into Debating-Clubs, County Societies,
State Unions, etc., etc., with a view of inducing all children to take
hold of the handles of their knives and forks, instead of the metal.
Children have bad habits in that way. The movement, of course, was
absurd; but we all did our best to forward, not it, but him. It came
time for the annual county-meeting on this subject to be held at
Naguadavick. Isaacs came round, good fellow! to arrange for it,--got the
town-hall, got the Governor to preside (the saint!--he ought to have
triplet doubles provided him by law), and then came to get me to speak.
"No," I said, "I would not speak, if ten Governors presided. I do not
believe in the enterprise. If I spoke, it should be to say children
should take hold of the prongs of the forks and the blades of the
knives. I would subscribe ten dollars, but I would not speak a mill." So
poor Isaacs went his way sadly, to coax Auchmuty to speak, and
Delafield. I went out. Not long after he came back, and told Polly that
they had promised to speak, the Governor would speak, and he himself
would close with the quarterly report, and some interesting anecdotes
regarding Miss Biffin's way of handling her knife and Mr. Nellis's way
of footing his fork. "Now if Mr. Ingham will only come and sit on the
platform, he need not say one word; but it will show well in the
paper,--it will show that the Sandemanians take as much interest in the
movement as the Armenians or the Mesopotamians, and will be a great
favor to me." Polly, good soul! was tempted, and she promised. She knew
Mrs. Isaacs was starving, and the babies,--she knew Dennis was at
home,--and she promised! Night came, and I returned. I heard her story.
I was sorry. I doubted. But Polly had promised to beg me, and I dared
all! I told Dennis to hold his peace, under all circumstances, and sent
him down.
It was not half an hour more before he returned, wild with
excitement,--in a perfect Irish fury,--which it was long before I
understood. But I knew at once that he had undone me!
What happened was this. The audience got together, attracted by Governor
Gorges's name. There were a thousand people. Poor Gorges was late from
Augusta. They became impatient. He came in direct from the train at
last, really ignorant of the object of the meeting. He opened it in the
fewest possible words, and said other gentlemen were present who would
entertain them better than he. The audience were disappointed, but
waited. The Governor, prompted by Isaacs, said, "The Honorable Mr.
Delafield will address you." Delafield had forgotten the knives and
forks, and was playing the Ruy Lopez opening at the chess-club. "The
Rev. Mr. Auchmuty will address you." Auchmuty had promised to speak
late, and was at the school-committee. "I see Dr. Stearns in the hall;
perhaps he will say a word." Dr. Stearns said he had come to listen and
not to speak The Governor and Isaacs whispered. The Governor looked at
Dennis, who was resplendent on the platform; but Isaacs, to give him his
due, shook his head. But the look was enough. A miserable lad, ill-bred,
who had once been in Boston, thought it would sound well to call for me,
and peeped out, "Ingham!" A few more wretches cried, "Ingham! Ingham!"
Still Isaacs was firm; but the Governor, anxious, indeed, to prevent a
row, knew I would say something, and said, "Our friend Mr. Ingham is
always prepared; and, though we had not relied upon him, he will say a
word perhaps." Applause followed, which turned Dennis's head. He rose,
fluttered, and tried No. 3: "There has been so much said, and, on the
whole, so well said, that I will not longer occupy the time!" and sat
down, looking for his hat; for things seemed squally. But the people
cried, "Go on! go on!" and some applauded. Dennis, still confused, but
flattered by the applause, to which neither he nor I are used, rose
again, and this time tried No. 2: "I am very glad you liked it!" in a
sonorous, clear delivery. My best friends stared. All the people who did
not know me personally yelled with delight at the aspect of the evening;
the Governor was beside himself, and poor Isaacs thought he was undone!
Alas, it was I! A boy in the gallery cried in a loud tone, "It's all an
infernal humbug," just as Dennis, waving his hand, commanded silence,
and tried No. 4: "I agree, in general, with my friend the other side of
the room." The poor Governor doubted his senses and crossed to stop
him,--not in time, however. The same gallery-boy shouted, "How's your
mother?" and Dennis, now completely lost, tried, as his last shot, No.
1, vainly: "Very well, thank you; and you?"
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