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Page 38
One day Johnsen actually found himself hesitating before the door of his
school, shrinking from going into its tainted atmosphere, when it was
not actually necessary for him to do so. The discovery caused him at
first the greatest uneasiness. Now, however, Rachel's society was
beginning to have more influence over him. It was no longer the comfort
of Sandsgaard which attracted him--of that he was quite certain; neither
had he any feeling for the young lady except interest, a deep, earnest
interest, after all the stirring impressions he had received through
her. She had a wonderful power over him. Her words seemed to shed a ray
of light over much which he had hitherto overlooked. He had, like the
rest of us, the germs of doubt in his heart, and he was still so young
and fresh that his aspirations were but loosely covered, and had not yet
had time to wither entirely in his heart. When, therefore, he was
suddenly thrown into the society of a woman of such intellectual power,
his mind seemed as it were to awake, and her influence and his own
reviving energies kindled within him a desire for action which increased
with each day that passed. The tiresome and uninteresting work of his
daily life seemed aimless to him. He must find some other means of
publishing his convictions--this was now clear to him. He went,
therefore, to his adviser, ready to engage in any combat into which she
might think fit to send him.
Rachel generally did at home pretty much as she liked. She disdained all
the hundred restraints which are generally considered so necessary for a
young girl; they plainly did not apply in her case--she was so different
to others. As soon, therefore, as Johnsen had exchanged a few words with
old Mrs. Garman, she said, without further ado, "Come, Mr. Johnsen, let
us take a turn in the garden," without her mother being in the least
astonished. Rachel had grown up quite beyond her power of restraint, and
if it came to the worst, thought Mrs. Garman, this unusual _penchant_
for a clergyman was not the worst one Rachel could have hit upon.
The two went down into the garden, where they walked as usual up and
down the central path. He found it rather difficult to lead the
conversation in the direction he wished. His tone was therefore somewhat
doubtful, as he said, "I have thought a great deal about our last
conversation; in fact, I have hardly thought of anything else since,
and, with your permission, I should like to say a few more words on the
same subject."
"I am always glad to talk with you," answered Rachel, fixing her eyes
upon him. Rachel had the same clear blue eyes as her father, to whom, in
fact, she bore considerable resemblance, even in the slight projection
of her under jaw. Her dark hair was faintly tinged with red, especially
at the temples, and her tall and well-built figure rendered her
appearance rather more imposing than attractive. The young men generally
were absolutely afraid of her, and she had the reputation of being
terribly learned and sarcastic, which was considered to be a great pity,
as in other respects she was a most desirable _parti_. Mr. Johnsen did
not notice any of these peculiarities: all he thought of was leading the
conversation into the direction he desired. At length he was successful.
He spoke with ever-increasing earnestness on the change that had taken
place in him; how that she had not only roused him to meditation, but
had also imparted to him a desire for work, for which he must now find
vent. He had come to her to be told how and where he was to begin.
Rachel seemed somewhat embarrassed. "It is not so easy for me," she
answered, "who as a woman am debarred from a life of action, if even I
had the wish for it, to advise you how you ought to begin."
"I am ready for anything," cried he, excitedly. "I am ready to write or
speak against the abuses I see everywhere around me. I am ready to cut
myself adrift from the calling I have adopted, if it must be. I will not
leave a single corner of my innermost heart concealed, but will lay open
my convictions as a man ought to do."
His young friend was too wary to allow herself to be carried away by
this sudden outburst, which she could not but regard with some
misgiving.
"I think you ought to consider," she began, "that what we have hitherto
been speaking of is a mere matter of scattered detail; there is scarcely
any irreconcilable want of agreement between your ideas and those of
Christianity in general."
"But Christianity requires either an entire belief or else none at all,
and I do not care to continue in my doubtful position any longer."
"Yes; and besides," she continued, "I am quite willing to confess that I
consider these forms and dogmas of but very slight importance. Our
conversation has only turned particularly on these points from the fact
that you hold a position in the Church."
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