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Page 21
Worst of all in the whole terrible affair is the fact that it matters
not who gets the mastery--both are made more wretched. If the man has
an indomitable will and conquers the woman, he becomes a morose and
sarcastic tyrant, who makes her tremble at his scowl, while she
becomes a beaten drudge who makes up for long spells of submission by
shrill outbursts of casual defiance. If the woman gains the mastery, I
honestly believe that the cause of strict morality is better served;
but the sight of the man's gradual degradation is so sickening that
most people prefer keeping out of the house where a henpecked
individual lives. As time goes by, it matters not which wins in the
odious contest: both undergo a subtle loss of self-respect. In an
ordinary quarrel between men reason may possibly come in to some
degree; but in a quarrel between man and wife reason is utterly
excluded. The man becomes feminine, the woman grows masculine, and the
effect of this change of nature is disgusting and ludicrous to an
outsider, but serious in the extreme to the parties principally
concerned. By degrees indifference and rage give way to sullen, secret
hatred, which finds a vent usually in poisonous sarcasm.
Matters are not much better when the superiority is on the woman's
side. It is delightful to see a husband who is proud of his wife's
cleverness, and good-natured men are pleased by his innocent boasting.
The most pleasant of households may be found in cases where a clever,
good-humoured, dexterous woman rules over a sweet-tempered but
somewhat stupid man. She respects his manhood, he adores her as a
superior being, and they live a life of pure happiness. But, sad to
say, the husband is not usually good-humouredly willing to acknowledge
his partner's superiority, and in that case the girl's doom is a cruel
one. She may marry a gross, stupid lout, who begins by yawning away
his time in leisure hours, and ends by going out to meet companions of
his own sort. By and by comes the time when the ruffian grows
aggressive, and then the proud girl has to bear brutalities which rack
her very soul. Steadily the work of degradation goes on, and at last
the brutal man becomes a capricious bully, while the refined lady
sinks into a careless draggletail.
I have traversed many lands and seen men and cities, and know that the
cruel work which I have described goes on in too many quarters. The
ill-assorted marriage is made more wretched by the occasional glimpses
which the man and woman get of happy homes. The loveliest sight that
can be watched on earth is the daily life of a well-matched couple.
They need not be even in intellect, but each must have some quality
which gives superiority; such people, even if they have to struggle
hard, lead a life which is almost ideally happy. The great thing which
gives happiness is mutual confidence, and, when we see man and wife
exhibiting quiet and mutually respectful familiarity, we may be fairly
certain that they are to be looked on as most fortunate in the world.
By an exquisite natural law it happens that mentally a woman is the
exact complement of the man who is her proper mate, and her intellect
has qualities far finer and more subtle than the man's. Among hard
City men it is a common saying that no one would ever make a bad debt
if he took his customer home to dinner first. That means that the wife
would instantly measure the guest's character with that
lightning-footed tact which women possess. No man ever yet was
completely successful in life unless he took women's counsel in great
affairs; and, when a man has a wife with whom he can consult, his
chance is bettered a thousandfold.
To see a household where love and unity reign drives ill-matched folk
to madness. The man declares that his friend's wife makes the
felicity; the woman praises the other husband; and the unhappy souls
grow jealous together, and hate each other more cordially by reason of
the joy which they have seen. All sorts of evil ends come to these
wretched unions--in every workhouse, asylum, and prison the traces of
the social catastrophe may be seen; and, even when the misery is
hidden from general view, the tragedy is shocking to those who can
peep behind the scenes and look at the bad play. A very wise man has
said that "success is a constitutional trait." The phrase is a
profound one. A man who is born with "constitutional" power of
choosing the right mate is all but assured of success, and a woman has
the same fortune; but, in addition to the power of choosing, both man
and woman need training; and we cannot call a civilised being properly
trained unless he has some idea of the way to set about his choice.
The cases in which idleness, or pique, or dulness drives a man or
woman to take alcohol are numerous and loathsome. Women who start
married life as bright, merry, hopeful creatures become mere degraded
animals; and the odd thing about the matter is that the husband is
always the last to see the turn that his affairs are taking. A woman's
name may be in the mouths of scores of people before the party most
concerned wakes up to a sense of his position and is faced by a
picture of helpless and lost womanhood. If the man falls into the
alcoholic death-trap, we have once more a spectacle of dull misery
which may be indicated but which cannot be accurately described. The
victim grows hateful--his symptoms have been scientifically described
by one of the finest of modern physiologists--he is uncertain in mind,
and vengeful and revengeful. His wife is obliged to live with him,
under his rule and power, but she finds it hopeless to meet his
wishes, desires, fancies, and fantasies, however much she may study
and do her best to oblige, conciliate, and concede. To persons of this
class everything must be conceded, and yet they are neither pacified
nor satisfied; they cannot agree even with themselves, and their homes
are, literally speaking, hells on earth.
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