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Page 56
Odd. But some women are made so. Marion Hathaway was that sort--she stuck
like a leech.
And now--the frivolous, feather-headed little wife, whom he had held so
cheap and wronged so lightly, urging her folly as almost a justification
of the wrong, she too--She appalled him with the terrific eternity of her
love. Was it possible that this feeling, which he had despised as the
blind craving and clinging of the feminine animal, could take a place
among the supreme realities, the things more living than flesh and blood,
which in his way he still contrived to believe in? The idea made him
extremely uncomfortable, and he put it from him. He had drifted into that
stagnant backwater of the soul where the scum of thought rises to the
surface. Molly was better than most women; but, poor little thing, there
was nothing transcendent about her virtues. She loved him after the
manner of her kind.
No--no--no. She loved him as no other woman had ever loved him before.
She loved him because she believed in him against the evidence of her
senses. If she only knew! A diabolical impulse seized him to awaken her
then and there and force her to listen to a full confession of his
iniquities, without reticence and without apology. Surely no woman's love
could stand before that appalling revelation? But no; what other women
would do he would not undertake to say; _she_ would only look at him with
her innocent eyes, reiterating "It makes no difference."
Would he have cared more if she had cared less? On the whole--no. And
what if she had been a woman of a higher, austerer type? That woman would
have repelled him, thrown him back upon himself. She had drawn him by her
very foolishness. He had been brought back to her, again and again, by
the certainty of her unreasoning affection. By its purity also. That had
saved him from falling lower than a certain dimly defined level. If there
was a spark of good in him he owed it to her. He had never sunk so low as
in that intolerable moment when he had doubted her. For the behavior of
the brute is low enough in all conscience; but below that is the behavior
of the cad. Tyson had his own curious code of morals.
Yes; and in the raw enthusiasm of remorse he had made all manner of vows
and promises, and he felt bound in honor to keep them. He had talked of
a rupture with the past. A rupture with the past! You might as well talk
of breaking with your own shadow. The shadow of your past. Imbecile
expression! The past was in his blood and nerves; it was bone of his bone
and flesh of his flesh. It was he. Or rather it was this body of his that
seemed to live with a hideous independent life of its own. And yet, even
yet, there were moments when he caught a glimpse of his better self
struggling as if under the slough of dissolution; the soul that had never
seen the sun was writhing to leap into the light. He would have given the
whole world to be able to love Molly. There was no death and no
corruption like the death of love; and the spirit of his passion had
been too feeble to survive its divorce from the flesh.
He could not look away. He rose and lifted the lamp-shade, throwing the
pitiless light on the thing that fascinated him. She stirred in her
sleep, turning a little from the light. He bent over her pillow and
peered into her face. She woke suddenly, as if his gaze had drawn her
from sleep; and from the look in her eyes he judged a little of the
horror his own must have betrayed.
He shrank back guiltily, replaced the shade, and sat down in the chair
at the foot of the bed. She looked at him. His whole frame trembled; his
eyes were blurred with tears; the parted lips drooped with weakness,
bitterness, and unappeased desire. Did she know that in that moment the
hunger and thirst after righteousness raged more fiercely than any
earthly appetite? It seemed to him that in her look he read pity and
perfect comprehension. He hid his face in his hands.
After that night he began to have a nervous dread of going into her
room. He was always afraid that she would "say something." By this time
his senses, too, were morbidly acute. The sight and smell of drugs,
dressings, and disinfectants afflicted him with an agony of sensation.
There was no escaping these things in the little flat, and he could not
help associating his wife with them: it seemed as if a crowd of trivial
and sordid images was blotting out the delicate moral impressions he had
once had. Tyson was paying the penalty of having lived the life of the
senses; his brain had become their servant, and he was horrified to find
that he could not command its finest faculties at pleasure.
There was no disguising the detestable truth. He could attain no further.
From those heights of beautiful emotion where he had disported himself
lately there could be no gradual lapse into indifference. It was a
furious break-neck descent to the abominable end--repulsion and infinite
dislike, tempered at first by a little remnant of pity. Every day her
presence was becoming more intolerable to him. But, for the few moments
that he perforce spent with her, he was more elaborately attentive than
ever. As his tenderness declined his manner became more scrupulously
respectful, (She would have given anything to have heard him say "You
little fool," as in the careless days of the old life.) He had no
illusions left. Not even to himself could he continue that pleasant
fiction of the strong man with feelings too deep for utterance. Still,
there were certain delicacies: if his love was dead he must do his best
to bury it decently--anyhow, anywhere, out of his sight and hers.
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