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Page 14
Now the Great Woodcock Saga is brought about in this way:--First
of all suppose that a woodcock has shown himself somewhere or other
during the morning. If he was seen it follows, as the day follows
the night, (1), that _everybody_ shot at him at the most fantastic
distances without regard to the lives and limbs of the rest of the
party; (2), that (in most cases) everybody missed him; (3), that
everybody, though having, according to his own version, been
especially careful himself, has been placed in imminent peril by the
recklessness of the rest; (4), that everybody threw himself flat on
his face to avoid death; and (5), that the woodcock is not really a
bird at all, but a devil. The following is suggested as an example of
Woodcock-dialogue, the scene being laid at lunch:--
[Illustration]
_First Sportsman_ (_pausing in his attack on a plateful of curried
rabbit_). By Jupiter! that was a smartish woodcock. I never saw the
beggar till he all but flew into my face, and then away he went, like
a streak of greased lightning. I let him have both barrels; but I
might as well have shot at a gnat. Still, I fancy I tickled him up
with my left.
_Second Sportsman_ (_a stout, jovial man, breaking in_). Tickled _him_
up! By gum, I thought _I_ was going to be tickled up, I tell you. Shot
was flying all round me--bang! bang! all over the place. I loosed
off twice at him, and then went down, to avoid punishment. Haven't a
notion what became of him.
_Third Sportsman_ (_choking with laughter at the recollection_). I saw
you go down, old cock. First go off, I thought you were hit: but, when
you got that old face of yours up, and began to holler "Wor guns!"
as if you meant to bust, why I jolly soon knew there wasn't much
the matter with _you_. Just look at him, you chaps. Do you think an
ordinary charge of shot would go through _that_? Not likely.
_Fourth Sportsman_ (_military man_). Gad, it was awful! I'd rather be
bucketed about by EVELYN WOOD for a week than face another woodcock. I
heard 'em shoutin', "Woodcock forward! Woodcock back! Woodcock to the
right! Woodcock to the left! Mark--mark!" Gad! thinks I to myself, the
bally place must be full of 'em. Just then out he came, as sly as be
blowed. My old bundook went off of its own accord. I bagged the best
part of an oak tree, and, after that, I scooted. Things were gettin'
just a shade too warm, by gad! A reg'lar hail-storm, that's what it
was. No, thank you, thinks I; not for this party--I'm off to cover. So
that's all _I_ know about it. Thanks, TOMMY--do you mind handin' round
that beer-jug?
_First Sportsman_ (_rallying him_). Just think of that. And we're all
of us taxed to keep a chap like that in comfort. Why you're _paid_
to be shot at--that's what you're _there_ for, you and your thin red
line, and all that. By Jupiter! we don't get our money's worth out
of you if you're going to cut and run before a poor, weak, harmless
woodcock.
[_Military Sportsman is heavily chaffed._
_Military Sportsman_. Oh, it's all very well for you Johnnies to gas
like that--but, by Gad, you didn't seem over-anxious to stand fire
yourselves. Why your teeth are chattering still, BINKS.
_Binks_. Ah, but I'm only a poor civilian.
_Military Sportsman_. Well, I cut and ran as a civilian. See? Did
anyone shoot the bloomin' bird, after all?
_The Host_. _Shoot_ him? I should think not. The last I saw of him he
was sailing off quite comfortable, cocking snooks at the whole lot.
Have another go of pie, JOHNNY?
So that is the Great Woodcock Saga, the absolute accuracy of which
every sportsman is bound to recognise. And the great truth that
burst upon me is this, that if you want to restore good temper to a
shattered party, you must start talking about woodcocks. If you saw
a woodcock in the morning, talk about that one. If not, begin about
the woodcock you saw last week, or the woodcock somebody else missed
the week before. But whatever you do, always keep a woodcock for
a (metaphorically) rainy day. Bring him out at lunch next time you
shoot, and watch the effect.
* * * * *
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