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Page 3
What you lay yourself open to my dear in the way of being the object of
uncharitable suspicions when you go into the Lodging business I have not
the words to tell you, but never was I so dishonourable as to have two
keys nor would I willingly think it even of Miss Wozenham lower down on
the other side of the way sincerely hoping that it may not be, though
doubtless at the same time money cannot come from nowhere and it is not
reason to suppose that Bradshaws put it in for love be it blotty as it
may. It _is_ a hardship hurting to the feelings that Lodgers open their
minds so wide to the idea that you are trying to get the better of them
and shut their minds so close to the idea that they are trying to get the
better of you, but as Major Jackman says to me, "I know the ways of this
circular world Mrs. Lirriper, and that's one of 'em all round it" and
many is the little ruffle in my mind that the Major has smoothed, for he
is a clever man who has seen much. Dear dear, thirteen years have passed
though it seems but yesterday since I was sitting with my glasses on at
the open front parlour window one evening in August (the parlours being
then vacant) reading yesterday's paper my eyes for print being poor
though still I am thankful to say a long sight at a distance, when I hear
a gentleman come posting across the road and up the street in a dreadful
rage talking to himself in a fury and d'ing and c'ing somebody. "By
George!" says he out loud and clutching his walking-stick, "I'll go to
Mrs. Lirriper's. Which is Mrs. Lirriper's?" Then looking round and
seeing me he flourishes his hat right off his head as if I had been the
queen and he says, "Excuse the intrusion Madam, but pray Madam can you
tell me at what number in this street there resides a well-known and much-
respected lady by the name of Lirriper?" A little flustered though I
must say gratified I took off my glasses and courtesied and said "Sir,
Mrs. Lirriper is your humble servant." "Astonishing!" says he. "A
million pardons! Madam, may I ask you to have the kindness to direct one
of your domestics to open the door to a gentleman in search of
apartments, by the name of Jackman?" I had never heard the name but a
politer gentleman I never hope to see, for says he, "Madam I am shocked
at your opening the door yourself to no worthier a fellow than Jemmy
Jackman. After you Madam. I never precede a lady." Then he comes into
the parlours and he sniffs, and he says "Hah! These are parlours! Not
musty cupboards" he says "but parlours, and no smell of coal-sacks." Now
my dear it having been remarked by some inimical to the whole
neighbourhood that it always smells of coal-sacks which might prove a
drawback to Lodgers if encouraged, I says to the Major gently though
firmly that I think he is referring to Arundel or Surrey or Howard but
not Norfolk. "Madam" says he "I refer to Wozenham's lower down over the
way--Madam you can form no notion what Wozenham's is--Madam it is a vast
coal-sack, and Miss Wozenham has the principles and manners of a female
heaver--Madam from the manner in which I have heard her mention you I
know she has no appreciation of a lady, and from the manner in which she
has conducted herself towards me I know she has no appreciation of a
gentleman--Madam my name is Jackman--should you require any other
reference than what I have already said, I name the Bank of
England--perhaps you know it!" Such was the beginning of the Major's
occupying the parlours and from that hour to this the same and a most
obliging Lodger and punctual in all respects except one irregular which I
need not particularly specify, but made up for by his being a protection
and at all times ready to fill in the papers of the Assessed Taxes and
Juries and that, and once collared a young man with the drawing-room
clock under his coat, and once on the parapets with his own hands and
blankets put out the kitchen chimney and afterwards attending the summons
made a most eloquent speech against the Parish before the magistrates and
saved the engine, and ever quite the gentleman though passionate. And
certainly Miss Wozenham's detaining the trunks and umbrella was not in a
liberal spirit though it may have been according to her rights in law or
an act _I_ would myself have stooped to, the Major being so much the
gentleman that though he is far from tall he seems almost so when he has
his shirt-frill out and his frock-coat on and his hat with the curly
brims, and in what service he was I cannot truly tell you my dear whether
Militia or Foreign, for I never heard him even name himself as Major but
always simple "Jemmy Jackman" and once soon after he came when I felt it
my duty to let him know that Miss Wozenham had put it about that he was
no Major and I took the liberty of adding "which you are sir" his words
were "Madam at any rate I am not a Minor, and sufficient for the day is
the evil thereof" which cannot be denied to be the sacred truth, nor yet
his military ways of having his boots with only the dirt brushed off
taken to him in the front parlour every morning on a clean plate and
varnishing them himself with a little sponge and a saucer and a whistle
in a whisper so sure as ever his breakfast is ended, and so neat his ways
that it never soils his linen which is scrupulous though more in quality
than quantity, neither that nor his mustachios which to the best of my
belief are done at the same time and which are as black and shining as
his boots, his head of hair being a lovely white.
It was the third year nearly up of the Major's being in the parlours that
early one morning in the month of February when Parliament was coming on
and you may therefore suppose a number of impostors were about ready to
take hold of anything they could get, a gentleman and a lady from the
country came in to view the Second, and I well remember that I had been
looking out of window and had watched them and the heavy sleet driving
down the street together looking for bills. I did not quite take to the
face of the gentleman though he was good-looking too but the lady was a
very pretty young thing and delicate, and it seemed too rough for her to
be out at all though she had only come from the Adelphi Hotel which would
not have been much above a quarter of a mile if the weather had been less
severe. Now it did so happen my dear that I had been forced to put five
shillings weekly additional on the second in consequence of a loss from
running away full dressed as if going out to a dinner-party, which was
very artful and had made me rather suspicious taking it along with
Parliament, so when the gentleman proposed three months certain and the
money in advance and leave then reserved to renew on the same terms for
six months more, I says I was not quite certain but that I might have
engaged myself to another party but would step down-stairs and look into
it if they would take a seat. They took a seat and I went down to the
handle of the Major's door that I had already began to consult finding it
a great blessing, and I knew by his whistling in a whisper that he was
varnishing his boots which was generally considered private, however he
kindly calls out "If it's you, Madam, come in," and I went in and told
him.
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